After such a busy weekend we slept late, later than I would have liked, but we both needed the sleep and the rest. I knew that this would be the last morning for a while that I would wake up, next to my husband, so thinking about this did not start my day off right. I didn’t want to think about, nor did I want to even acknowledge it. As you will see my primary mode was avoidance on this day.

I just had a few goals, write a few blog entries, and pack. But after having a wonderful breakfast that my wonderful husband made me of waffles and bacon. After I check emails and did other computer related things. After I began the blog entry but did not get it all finished. I and hubby were restless. He had spent some time on the computer too. And it just felt like we should have been doing other things. Like spending time together. Again, avoidance here. We really had not let ourselves think about it. And unfortunately it hit us over the head.

I will say this began the most emotional night. I didn’t start packing until 6, so a several month stay at HK. Seriously bad idea. I thought that all of my items were in reach, that I had done as much gathering, and that it was as simple as putting everything in a suitcase. Nope it didn’t work out that way. Of course in between packing, breaking down crying, from both of us, we snapped at each other several times, were both hurting badly. I finally got everything together, that I thought I needed. It was alot. In the end several re-useable grocery bags, for items like my laundry detergent. And a suitcase for clothes. Of course there was all of my bedding too. I was nervous that not everything would fit in to my FIL’s trunk, and even with several calls to confirm measurements. I was able to finish the packing process. We ate dinner in between all of this. And as much as we tried, hubby and I wanted to be in the same room as each other. Of course there are always packing difficulties, and for this particular packing project, hubby could not find some medications of mine that had come in the mail. He looked low and high, and no where were the meds. Once we finally did get in bed, it was around 12am. Although both of us were extremely exhausted, neither of us wanted to go to sleep. By the time we decided that we needed to get some sleep for both of our health and sanity, we felt asleep around 2am.

It was an extremely emotional day, just raw, depressing. Although I knew that I would hopefully see my husband again, in just two weeks, it felt like our hearts were being torn from our chests, and broken into a million pieces. I know…I know..I know.. Very mushy. But the bond, the relationship, the marriage, the relationship I have with my husband is very strong, very tight. I knew that it was going to be hard to say goodbye, see you later, and I just could not mentally wrap my mind around it.

Even though we had said goodbye, had been apart for my time in Long Island for guide dog school, this was much much much more difficult. I can’t say exactly why for hubby it was hard, probably for the same reasons it was for me, but I can’t think for him, nor feel for him. But for me, there was alot of guilt, alot of fear, around my absences from him. Guilt in the fact that I would not be there to take care of him, that he is allowing me to do this, when it should not be happening this way. What I mean about that, is that I do feel some guilt in the fact that I have lost my hearing, yes I know I could not have prevented it, and more so there is nothing I could have done to get it back. But this does not make me feel any less guilty and bad for my husband. I have piles full of fear about my being away. Fears of what happens if something happens to him, while I am gone, and I am not hear. I could not live on this earth, if he went home to God. I know that is selfish, and I also know that I have no control over this. But it scares me to no end to think of something like that happening. I have alot of fear that this will change our marriage in a bad way. As I have mentioned that we have a strong bond, we are tight, we have a great marriage. I don’t want that to change. I want things to stay exactly the same as they are. By no means do I think that he will cheat on me, or that I will on him, those are not thoughts of mine. But that my extended absent will change our feelings for each other. I guess past experience, is determining these feelings. And I don’t necessarily mean experience with this marriage. Of course there are other emotions, but those are the main ones.

I would never ask for a re-do of the day. I would say if I were to do it all over again, first I would not want to, and second I would not avoid the emotions and feelings until the day before leaving. Like I said it felt like my heart was being torn from my body, and broken into a million pieces. Or like a part of my body had been cut off, and I was feeling all of that pain. It hurt physically, emotionally and mentally.

Even writing this now, after that day, almost brings me to tears. And although as you see my last day at home wasn’t exciting, it was definitely something that needed to be expressed.

More to come…