As I mentioned in a previous entry, the audiologist that I received my new aids from, I am not completely sure he knows what he is doing. After that appointment, and through the month of July, granted it was a slow realization. I was realizing that my new hearing aids weren’t solving all of the issues. This was hard to swallow. Especially when I traveled down to Philadelphia for the BELL program, was riding on the train, communicating with other adults and children, attending meetings, talking on the phone. In some ways they are better, if I am in a small group situation with no other background noise, with only one person talking at a time, then great. But can you think of how many times in your life or day how little times that situation happens. Not much in my life. I have turned into a hermit crab. I mean I still love going out; it’s just harder to do now. Every situation is different, and when I go out I have to ask myself. Am I going to hear this? Will I hear that? I never know until the situation is upon me, in other words to plan for such situations is difficult at best. I think what I was putting a lot of promise into was that these new aids would cure all. They haven’t done that. Realizing that was emotionally hard on me.
I think I have been praying that God would cure me, would give me back my hearing. But he has not. Some days I am okay with knowing that I won’t be cured, and that there is a purpose, other days I am mad, frustrated, and just down about this. On those days it is harder to see the purpose, the plan. I say to God a lot can you please just show me the reason, what will come out of this. But he doesn’t. I probably won’t get it until I am old. And just like above, some days I am okay with that, others I am not.
I can say that with it’s sort of like getting a new pair of glasses, thinking you’re going to be able to see so well with them. You get them, your eyes adjust, and then only after a bit, the glasses make no difference. My new hearing aids are the same.
The fact that now I had finally been given a start date for HKNC, but that I had not made a decision on my near future path, was very heavy for me. Oh my, I want to graduate so badly. I am so afraid of failure. Taking all of the different aspects into account drove me out of my mind on some days. I don’t mean literally but the questions. Do I do this, but have troubles? Do I do the other but take off school? What would God ant my path to be? What is best for me? What about my internship? What would people think of me? does this mean I fail? Why can other people do the similar things as school, internship and are deafblind, but I can’t? And the questions and questions when on and on. I talked to people I trusted, talked over with it with hubby, and prayed a lot.
By this time school was only a week and half away, I felt the crunch to make this decision. Once I made a decision would I feel better? Would I be doing the right thing? UGH!
I have a wonderful husband, one who has been there every time I have cried, been mad, and been frustrated. He has been there every single time, no matter what. Even if it meant delaying getting other things done, he would cuddle or hold, talk, let me cry, or just listen at any time day or night. I will here and forever more profess, that I have the best, most wonderful, most caring, most loving, husband in the whole wide world. I know of no other man who would do the same for their wife. A wife who has not necessarily been the best to live with. A wife, who probably hasn’t taken care of her husband as much as she should. But a wife who thanks God every single day that he is her husband, for the blessing of her marriage, for the love that God has given them to love each other, and for all that they have. If I could give him an award I would in a heartbeat, as he wins a prize of 1# Husband! I would as far as to say that through this, through the loss of my hearing, that god will have made our marriage stronger, has deepen our commitment, and has increased our love for each other.
Although I have come out to certain people, to certain groups, it’s still hard for me to just say to a stranger, I can’t hear you. It’s still hard for me to express my needs to even my friends. All things I need to work on.
So I guess this is all for the rambling for now…More to come about our destructive weekend!
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